Just Because You Carry It Well Doesn’t Mean It Isn’t Heavy

Some days I find strength in the most unlikely of places. Many days I find solace in silence. Usually, I become one with the space around me and it is so gratifying. I woke up today in a dreadful mood. As I lay there, in my most comfortable bed, I decided whether or not to change the way I look and the way I feel, so I cut off my long hair and relished in my impulsiveness. Now my hair comfortably falls at the beginning of my upper neck and the weather grazes it every so often when I go on walks or zip through the aisles at a grocery store. I’ve tried to bury my crippling anxiety with materialistic things hoping it provides me with some gratification I otherwise cannot receive, but it does no justice. 

Instead the underlying issue becomes resurfaced time and again and to no avail. So, I ask myself, ‘What can I do to rid myself of this heavy aching numbness?’ and I’m always met with the same private response. Pain, anxiety, sadness, anger, it’s not something that’s easily dismissed or forgotten. In truth, I don’t think it’s ever dismissed. 

I’m still learning my brain’s functionalities and what weaves it toward affliction, but I’ve been trying to tell myself not to get too wrapped up in the modality of my mind. When I sink, I drown, so it’s best to leave the professionals see to it. But I’m a curious person and my mind loves to wander.

It’s incredibly vulnerable of me to write about my personal complications (I try to be vague, but writing is my coping mechanism so it does get a little difficult). I often look back at the time when I would share it with the world, and it scares me. I really put myself out there for everyone to see. I was like an open book, but I want to change the way I perceive myself and how other perceive me. Today is a new day. I will still feel pain, struggle, sadness, anger, but I will not let it become my enemy. My deepest thoughts and ideas will be shared on here and then you will see, I’m not at all what you think I may think of myself. I’m much more. 

Let me leave you with one last note, or video really, that reminds me of the happiness I feel when I write: